Author: Beaker Muppet

 

Chateaubriand

Take it from Sam Elliott and Han­ni­bal Lecter: You can’t go wrong with chateaubriand.

Insert your own "tube steak' joke.

Faces of Death Cookies

These cook­ies will haunt your dreams, but in a good way.

Inverted Nipple Cookies

Serv­ing sug­ges­tion: Arrange a bunch of bras on the table and put a cook­ie in each cup.

Unmucked Fuffins

The first time I tried this recipe I real­ly mucked it up—way too much flour. That’s right: I mucked up the fuffins. So pay attention!

Fluffy Scrambled Eggs

You know how when you go to a din­er or deli, the omelettes or scram­bled eggs are all pret­ty and fluffy? How do they do that? Sim­ple: By sum­mon­ing demons, which I don’t rec­om­mend. Here’s a safer way to make fluffy eggs yourself.

Multiple Personalities Chicken Soup

It’s always good to have fresh chick­en, but maybe not THAT fresh.

Spaghetti and Chicken Balls

Yeah. Chick­ens have balls.

Maple Bacon Popcorn

You had me at “bacon.”

Real Live Honest-to-Louvre French Baguette

Mak­ing bread isn’t dif­fi­cult. Mak­ing baguette with that crisp, deep gold­en-brown crust and chewy insides with skil­lions of holes—it’s a chal­lenge. But the ingre­di­ents aren’t fan­cy or expen­sive: Yeast, flour, salt, water. You can afford some tri­al and error, and the end result is worth it!

Mouth Orgasm Cheesecake

Warn­ing: Don’t take this cheese­cake to work unless you want a huge sex­u­al harass­ment lawsuit.