Swineapple!

Lean back before you drool all over your key­board.

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  • Ingre­di­ents:
  • 1 large ripe whole pineap­ple, the biggest one you can find
  • 1 lb. BBQ pork ribs, meat removed from the bones
  • OPTIONAL: It doesn’t have to be ribs or pork. Throw in some pork loin or beef ribs or stew beef or what­ev­er you like.
    • (If you use beef, don’t come cry­ing to me say­ing “Bovineap­ple” or “Cow­ap­ple” doesn’t sound as cool as “Swineap­ple”.)
  • TIP: Don’t use any left­over meat that’s already cooked.
  • 12 slices thick-cut bacon
  • Your favorite bar­be­cue sauce (if it’s not Texas Ranger sauce, may Chuck Nor­ris have mer­cy on your soul!). 3 or 4 tbsp. should do it.
  • Papri­ka
    • (How much papri­ka? How the hell should I know? I don’t know how big your pineap­ple is or how much meat you have. Just put in an amount you like–usually about 2 tsp. for me).

Slice off the top of the pineap­ple and shave the sides.

Carve out the core, leav­ing about an inch of flesh all around, includ­ing the bot­tom (an ice cream scoop or mel­on baller is ide­al for this). Hang on to all the flesh and juice for lat­er.

Carve your meat into bite-size pieces and mix it up with your sauce and papri­ka. Don’t wor­ry about drown­ing it in sauce or sug­ar; the pineapple’s gonna baste the meat with lots of pineap­ple juice. Spoon it all into the pineap­ple.

Put the top back on the pineap­ple and fas­ten it in place, so it wo—Hold it! Get rid of that damned duct tape! Whats the mat­ter with you?

Fas­ten the top back on with some bam­boo or met­al skew­ers.

Make a bas­ket weave with your bacon (see video below) and wrap it around the pineap­ple; use more skew­ers to hold it in place.

If you have a smok­er, it’s per­fect for this recipe. If you don’t, you can grill or bake it, but keep the heat low and be patient: Set the oven to 275° or keep the grill nice and low. If your grill’s big enough to let you cook indi­rect­ly, that’s per­fect.

Put the swineap­ple on some heavy-duty foil, bacon side up (put the foil in a roast­er if you’re using the oven).

Cook 3 to 4 hours, until the bacon is get­ting crispy, bast­ing occa­sion­al­ly with the pineap­ple juice and flesh.

Serves 1, if you’re smart. More if you don’t want to hog it all.