Italian Meat Sauce (Lasagnea, Spaghetti, Whatevs)

Half-naked come­di­an sold separately.


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  • Ingre­di­ents:
  • 1 lb. sweet Ital­ian sausage
  • 1 lb. hot Ital­ian sausage
  • 1 lb. ground beef
  • 1 cup fine­ly chopped yel­low onion
  • 4 cloves gar­lic, minced
  • 14 cup sugar
  • 12 cup chopped fresh parsley
  • 1 tbsp. dried basil leaves
  • 12 tsp. pepper
  • 1 tbsp. salt
  • 70 oz. Ital­ian-style toma­toes (about 4 12 16-oz. cans or 3 24-oz. cans)
  • 24 oz. toma­to paste
  • 1 cup water

Use a large non­stick Dutch oven or stock pot.

Did I say non­stick? Good, because if you don’t use a good non­stick pot, you’ll burn your sauce.

Sautée sausage and beef, drain fat off and rinse briefly with hot water.

Add gar­lic and onion; stir over low heat.

Add sug­ar, salt, pep­per and parsley.

Add undrained toma­toes, toma­to paste and 1 cup water. If the toma­toes are whole, squeeze them with your fin­gers and break them up, remov­ing the stems and oth­er icky fibrous parts.

Sim­mer on very low heat for 90 min­utes, stir­ring frequently.