Snotty Tuna Salad

I’m not say­ing Gwyneth Pal­trow made fun of my recipe. I’m just say­ing she has nev­er denied it.

Fortunately she's been too busy steaming her vagina to pay much attention.
  • Ingre­di­ents:
  • Water-packed tuna
  • May­on­naise
  • Sweet pick­le rel­ish
  • Lime juice
  • Sriracha sauce

Mix togeth­er the way you like it: Tart, spicy or sweet. It will be all three but the com­bo depends on your tongue.

Serve on pota­to bread.

Upgrades!

I got scorched on Fark.com for list­ing cheap-ass ingre­di­ents, so I upgrad­ed:

  • Water-packed tuna: Caught by hand from a repli­ca of the Kon-tiki raft carved with a ster­ling sil­ver knife and packed in water–specifically, melt­ed core sam­ples from a 100,000 year old glac­i­er.
  • Mayo: Hand mixed from olives hand-picked from the Mount of Olives and ostrich eggs
  • Lime juice: Limes must be hand­picked along the Ama­zon and car­ried home
  • Sriracha sauce: There is no way to avoid this: You must buy the Sriracha fac­to­ry and replace all the work­ers with chil­dren pro­duced by you and a mem­ber of British roy­al­ty.
  • Pota­to bread: Must use pota­toes genet­i­cal­ly proven to pre­date the Pota­to Famine.
  • Mix with three uni­corn tears in a Steubens crys­tal gob­let tem­pered in drag­on blood, a spoon made of Moon rock and a fork made of dia­monds from that dia­mond plan­et NASA dis­cov­ered a few years ago.

You can serve it on paper plates but the nap­kins must be made from pieces of the Shroud of Turin.