Snotty Tuna Salad

I’m not saying Gwyneth Paltrow made fun of my recipe. I’m just saying she has never denied it.

Fortunately she's been too busy steaming her vagina to pay much attention.

Mix together the way you like it: Tart, spicy or sweet. It will be all three but the combo depends on your tongue.

Serve on potato bread.

I got scorched on Fark.com for listing cheap-ass ingredients, so I upgraded:

Water-packed tuna: Caught by hand from a replica of the Kon-tiki raft carved with a sterling silver knife and packed in water–specifically, melted core samples from a 100,000 year old glacier.
Mayo: Hand mixed from olives hand-picked from the Mount of Olives and ostrich eggs
Lime juice: Limes must be handpicked along the Amazon and carried home
Sriracha sauce: There is no way to avoid this: You must buy the Sriracha factory and replace all the workers with children produced by you and a member of British royalty.
Potato bread: Must use potatoes genetically proven to predate the Potato Famine.
Mix with three unicorn tears in a Steubens crystal goblet tempered in dragon blood, a spoon made of Moon rock and a fork made of diamonds from that diamond planet NASA discovered a few years ago.

You can serve it on paper plates but the napkins must be made from pieces of the Shroud of Turin.