I’m not saying Gwyneth Paltrow made fun of my recipe. I’m just saying she has never denied it.
Fortunately she's been too busy steaming her vagina to pay much attention.
- Water-packed tuna
- Sweet pickle relish
- Lime juice
- Sriracha sauce
Mix together the way you like it: Tart, spicy or sweet. It will be all three but the combo depends on your tongue.
Serve on potato bread.
I got scorched on Fark.com for listing cheap-ass ingredients, so I upgraded:
- Water-packed tuna: Caught by hand from a replica of the Kon-tiki raft carved with a sterling silver knife and packed in water–specifically, melted core samples from a 100,000 year old glacier.
- Mayo: Hand mixed from olives hand-picked from the Mount of Olives and ostrich eggs
- Lime juice: Limes must be handpicked along the Amazon and carried home
- Sriracha sauce: There is no way to avoid this: You must buy the Sriracha factory and replace all the workers with children produced by you and a member of British royalty.
- Potato bread: Must use potatoes genetically proven to predate the Potato Famine.
- Mix with three unicorn tears in a Steubens crystal goblet tempered in dragon blood, a spoon made of Moon rock and a fork made of diamonds from that diamond planet NASA discovered a few years ago.
You can serve it on paper plates but the napkins must be made from pieces of the Shroud of Turin.