Toenail-Free Almond Cookies

For some rea­son even the best Chi­nese restau­rants usu­al­ly serve fac­to­ry-pack­aged almond cook­ies with all the appeal of a card­board beer coast­er with a toe­nail on top. Here’s how to get that dis­gust­ing image out of your brain.

No.

Bruce Lee Spaghetti

This is sort of stolen from Cal­i­for­nia Piz­za Kitchen’s Kung Pao Spaghet­ti. But it’s Bruce Lee Spaghet­ti because it’s BADASS.

Slow Cooker Sweet and Sour Pork

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

Asian Meatballs and Spaghetti

Meat­BALLS. With an “S.” As in more than one. MEATBALLS!

Kung Pao Shrimp

I like my shrimp the way I like my women: Wicked hot and cooked to per­fec­tion! (Wait, that came out wrong…)

Asian Meatball Soup

Noo­dles: SERIOUS busi­ness.

Chinese Pork Chops

Elmo like Miss Pig­gy chops!

Hot Plum Sauce

It’s plumb deli­cious.

THANK YOU! I’m here all week!